It's been a week and I really miss him.
The last week has been...a lot of ups and downs. I feel like. I don't know. I'm taking it harder than I should considering we were only dating for like three weeks. But I'm letting myself feel the way I feel because it was my first real dating experience it was important.
A week ago we were having sex and eating pizza and listening to music and smoking weed together and I had to go and ruin it by having mondo feelings for him.
This last week has been good days and bad days. Last Saturday I spent most of the day in tears. Sunday too. Monday I was able to distract myself with work, so that was fine. On Monday morning I told my boss what happened and we just spent most of the day discussing how horrible men are, and that made me feel better :)
Talking to friends is what made me really be okay. Its because of my friends that I was able to not blame myself and get it in my head that he doesn't want a relationship with me because I'm not good enough.
I had a couple days where I was like FUCK YES I'M THE COOLEST EVER SUX TO BE HIM LOLOLOLOLZ
Wednesday I went to visit my old job and it was really self affirming. I really saw how much I've grown since I quit that job. I'm so much better than I was then. I didn't really think about him much that day until I got home and he was texting me random small talk and I just did not fucking care.
I still have to see him online on tumblr and facebook because I told him I still want to be friends with him. Which. I do. I think he's an awesome person even if he's super dumb for not wanting to be my boyfriend. It's just weird now. I don't feel like I really know how to talk to him now that the flirty element of our friendship is gone.
I just keep thinking about how natural it felt to be around him, and how much fun we had together, and how much he made me smile. I feel like he was the first person to ever really pay attention to me and make me feel that way and now it's all gone. I go over in my head every date we had all the time. We were awesome together. SUCH A FUCKING WASTE.
I think a lot about caving in and pretending I don't have feelings for him so that we can go back to how we were. But I know that's not possible.
And part of me really believes that we're going to stay friends until he grows up and then??? We'll fall in love??? We dated for three weeks, that's totally stupid.
And it's dumb as shit because before him I didn't care about dating at all. And now I'm like well shit maybe if I find someone else who is better than he is maybe I'll forget about him!! Stupid.
I just want to go back to last Wednesday. That was a great day. One of the best days. I want that back.
lol when I think about the fact that we dated for 3 weeks and only saw each other 5 times....versus THE AMOUNT THAT I FELT FOR HIM. lol I'm ridiculous.
I don't know if there's a point to this post. I just needed to type out my feelings. Are you guys tired of hearing about this yet?
I'm tired of thinking about it.